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Search Results 0 to 49 of about 73 (some duplicates have been removed)
Comedy Central
Nov 7, 2012 7:30pm PST
, ladies and gentlemen. i did read that well. america has elected its first black president for an historic first second time. ( laughter ) of course obama... of course let's remember, obama is only half black. it is possible in his second term, he will be white. ( laughter ) at this point, i think he owes that to us. frankly, folks, i'm stunned, i really thought romney would win. now, i'll never get to see the inaugural ball and his first dance with refalca. ♪ at last, my love ♪ has come along fine, america, it's your funeral. we tried to warn you about this guy. a multimedia empire tell you he was a america hating socialism loving anti-wealth redistributor who was probably lying about his birth place and his religion. why did we pull our punches? i tell you what. we job creators are not going to take it. we are going golf. just like an ayn rand's "atlas shrugged" and leave you on an island where only you can live, manhattan. now think about this. just think this through, folks. now, "obamacare" is here to stay. ( cheers and applause ) sure, a single illness won't wipe out you
Comedy Central
Nov 15, 2012 11:00pm PST
to bbc america. cheers. [applause] from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york are ar are, this is the "daily show" with jon stewart. captioning sponsored by comedy central ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: welcome to the ""daily show"." my name is jon stewart. i have a good divest tonight. the most delightful laugh in television to my mind, judge andrew napolitano will be joining us right over here. first, i want to let you people know i am a jew who is in to politics. ( cheers and applause ). been doing the show 15 years now. ( laughter ) speaking of which, ooh, i think we have a new middle east war brewing out there. that's late-breaking news. we'll have to deal with that when we get back. what's better than a middle east war. let's begin one more from the "where are they now?." you may remember mitt romney made a rather infamous statement that 47% of the country would not vote for him because they saw himself as victims, entitled-- housing, health care, from the government. as it turns out, much to his disappointment, barack obama was able to pick up four more percen
Comedy Central
Nov 20, 2012 11:00pm PST
forever will be the united states of america. and together, with your help, and god's grace, we will continue our journey forward. ( laughter ). >> jon: so that's all it took for to you get back in the groove was the fact that you never have to run for president again? ( laughter ) that's all it took? ( cheers and applause ) of course, on the other side, governor mitt romney broke the bad news to his supporters before reluctantly being asked to pose for his family's yearly christmas card. ( laughter ). that is a good-looking bunch. it's like they-- the people that came in the frames. across the nation, the people spoke, legalizing gay marriage in maine and maryland. legalizing marijuana in washington state, and colorado-- ( cheers and applause ) gay marriage... nothing. ( laughter ). marijuana... bat ( bleep ) crazy. they also legal ides dancing in that town in "footloose." i probably should have looked that up. wisconsin elected tammy baldwin the first openly lesbian senator. sorry, lindsay graham. yeah. you missed the lindsay graham joke. it was a pretty good one. ( laughter )
Comedy Central
Nov 6, 2012 7:30pm PST
america's voters >> mitt romney... crowd: boo! don't boo. vote. vote. ( cheers and applause ) voting is the best revenge. >> president obama asked his supporters to vote for revenge. >> crowd: boo! instead i ask the american people to vote for love of country. ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: i want this over! i don't know if it's that comment or maybe this is the milk i drank from a bodego that lost power during the blackout but i just threw up in my mouth a little bit. if the american people can really vote for revenge or love of country, they'd be kicking both your asses in the polls. for more on the campaign closing hours let's go to jessica williams and aasif mandvi. they are with the candidates right now. jessica, you're at obama's final rally in des moines >> the mood here is positively electric. j-z is killing it. and since this is iowa, they think he's actually talking about cheese. which they really like so it's a very positive message. >> jon: thank you very much. aasif mandvi you're with the romney campaign in manchester new hampshire >> that's right, jon. different feeling h
Comedy Central
Nov 27, 2012 11:00pm PST
, sorry, brace yourself for this one. time has run out for america's iconic baking company. >> after 82 years, hostess is shutting down following a bankruptcy filing. >> no more twinkies, no more ho-hoes, no more sno balls. >> jon: no more ring dings, no more ding-dongs, no more dong rings. (laughter and applause) oh, my god, that's not cream. (audience reacts) hostess will -- it's jelly. (laughter) (sighs) hostess will be no more! oh, no! where will i go now for my stomach aches and self-medication? where will i get the crap to fill the bottomless pit in me that will never be filled. boxed wine? arby's? i'm not going back there! (laughter) what could have destroyed this beloved american diabetes dispensary. >> it's the unions that really did it in because they would not allow hostess to operate efficiently. >> hostess, which was forced to close its doors due to union demands, they couldn't afford to stay in business during a long worker strike. >> the union preferred killing the company to accepting what they thought was a bad deal. >> jon: unions! you've got to imagine gingrich is tak
Comedy Central
Nov 7, 2012 10:00am PST
split into two territories, new real america. >> jon: wait let me guess the blue states are now the united states of oversensitivity. >> that's not funny, jon. >> jon: it's a little funny. >> no that's actually the name of the new blue state country. that's not funny, jon. >> they knew you would make fun of them. >> jon: i didn't realize that. >> 2016 once again and i know this sounds crazy it's going to come down 125 to ohio or as it's known in its bifurcated state is ohio and ohio. >> jon: i guess that's, the last one is the blue state gay one. >> that's not funny, jon. >> jon: from the 2016 election desk. we always hear from -- she interviews undecided voters. this year was no different. >> that's right, jon. i sat down with a group of undecided voters just hours before the polls opened. last night, the night before the election with just eight hours until the polls opened, i sat down with some of these undecided morons to help them make up their minds. every debate i have to sit there and watch people like you middle with their [bleep] dials on your [bleep] happy meters at focus
Comedy Central
Nov 12, 2012 11:00pm PST
grace of one of the most respected military men of this generation >> jon: don't be america one of the most respected military men of this generation. c.i.a. director and retired four-star general david petraeus stepped down friday after admit to go an extra marital affair. >> jon: it was captain america. the four-star general and current c.i.a. director caught in a web of sexual intrigue. c.i.a. director, perhaps, this isn't a sexy soviet agent with one of them naughty innuendo names like sonnia vaginov or natalie fellatiovich. and his con vaiveing paramoru told on him. is that how they found out about this? >> law enforcement and multiple u.s. officials tell nbc news that emails between him and paula broadwell, his biography were indicative of an extra marital affair. >> jon: really? email? all they had to do to nab america's spy-master general is log to his email? we can intrigue that little sound bite up a little bit? >> law enforcement and multiple u.s. officials tell abc news that emails between him and paula broadwell his biographer were indicative of an extra marital affair
Comedy Central
Nov 19, 2012 7:30pm PST
choice. we're going to see reduced economic activity in america. we're going to see reduced electric power consumption. we're going to see drastically reduced coal markets. >> jon: a greedy black-hearted man who owns a coal mine. well, now i've seen everything. (laughter) but it's not just those who provide compressed lumps of dead animals to fuel your home who are affected. (laughter) it's also those who provide compressed lumps of dead animals to fuel your body. >> our next guest says he might have to move some of his employees from full time to part time if president barack obama gets reelected. joining us now is zane tankel, he runs i think 42 applebee's franchises. >> jon: i'm going to stop you right there. zane tankel? (laughter) that's who you want me to accept? zane tankel? no. no. (applause) zane tankel does not run an applebee's. zane tankel is an intergalactic bounty hunter who gets in fight with buck rogers. (laughter) i'm sorry, resume your interview with zane tankel. >> we won't build more restaurants. we won't hire more people. >> you run an applebee's. (laughter) here
Comedy Central
Nov 30, 2012 1:00am PST
america. cheers. [applause] captioning sponsored by comedy central (cheers and applause) >> jon: welcome to the daily show, my name is jon stewart. we have a fine one tonight. our good friend calvin trillin from calvin trillin & hobbs, the great cartoon, calvin trillin, you remember him peeing by the wall, and there is a tiger. (laughter) hey, quick, off the top, you remember that contest, the obama campaign had, you donate and you might win lunch with the president? (laughter) you are not going to believe who won! (laughter) >> president barack obama, mitt romney just wrached up lunch in the private dining room at the white house. >> jon: i can't believe it-- mitt romney, the guy is just lucky! he probably barely donated much money at all but he still got-- (laughter) the event was actually closed to cameras but we do have footage of governor romney arriving at the white house. i believe that is him there and then he's getting out and then-- (laughter) that's-- campaign is over. so he doesn't have to pre-- pretend any more. can wear that serengeti lion sash he hadn't been wearing. by th
Comedy Central
Nov 28, 2012 11:00pm PST
security, americas overall advocacy in fighting the war on terror and the intricate dance between national security confidentiality and the public's right to know have all been distilled down, thrown out and replaced with this one urgent conclusion concerning current u.s. ambassador to united nations susan rice. >> i will do everything in my power to black her from being the united states secretary of state. she's not qualified. >> jon: that's senator john mccain continuing his seven year quest to negate every good thing he'd ever done prior to that. (laughter) this time leading the charge to preempt as an of now hypothetical obama nomination for secretary of state to replace hillary clinton. why? because five days after the benghazi attacks, susan rice went on the sunday talk shows and said this: . >> the best assessment we have today is that in fact this was not a preplanned, premeditated attack. that what happened initially was a spontaneous reaction to what had just transpired in cairo as a consequence of the video. >> jon: (whit perking) we know that that's wrong now. and we now know
Comedy Central
Nov 27, 2012 10:00am PST
communist revolution, those things had not taken hold in america is that we ameliorated them with certain moves that could help workers and things like that. and i almost think he saw it as a hedge bet against his own demise. >> i think so and i think he was also squared to dechlt i don't think we understand. we have been through hard times now. but i don't think we can fathom how difficult it was and how frightening it was to be in this country in the great depression when italy and germany and the soviet union had abandoned capitalism and democracy. >> jon: the other incredible story is in some respects how kennedy to put it in stock parlance tried to short the allies and go long with hitler. like there is a certain sense that he was betting on hitler winning. >> he was convinced that if the united states got into the war, if we even got into the war by sending resources, money, supplies to great britain, the depression was coming back. >> jon: right. >> and mistake number one. mistake number two, he believed, maybe this is why businessmen shouldn't be in politics-- (laughter) (cheers a
Comedy Central
Nov 9, 2012 7:30pm PST
any situation-- ram m mi-- ramifications for america's failed war on drugs. aling takes us through the new law and what this means. >> jon, i'm here in the mile high city, capital of what just became the mile high state. whatever that means. all this pot jargon is foreign to me. pass the dutchie on the left-hand side? i mean why don't they pass it on the right hand side. i don't know. i've never smoked pot. 4r56 (laughter) >> jon: settle down with the word play and tell us about the referendum. >> fine, we'll do it your way. as of tuesday in colorado you can now carry without penalty up to an ounce of recreational marijuana. however much that is. i don't know. is that a lot? i don't smoke pot or have a basic understanding of second grade level weights and measures. (laughter) >> jon: i can tell you how much an ounce is, it is enough to send you a jail for up to five years in florida. >> sounds like florida could use a reefer ren dumb of their own. since they can't vote with a felony conviction on the record. whatever that means. munchies, cotton mouth. >> jon: it's not funny, anchors a
Comedy Central
Nov 29, 2012 11:00pm PST
weeks leading up to the recent election america's business leaders offered some dired predictions. >> four more year of obama will mean that we're going to have to tighten our belts even further, layoff more feel. >> these people just want to work in honor and dignity and this president is desaing that. we're going cancel their health care. >> i cannot pay my staff and pay all these taxes. there is only so much blood you can get out of a turnip. (laughter) >> jon: i don't think you can get any blood out of a turnip unless-- oh my god, those weren't turn is, oh. some business owners were explicit that an obama re-election would in their eyes doom their blood turnip businesses. but now that obama has been re-elected how have the john creators amongst us reacted. we turn to our deranged billionaire, john hodgman, john. >> oh, how dare you. >> jon: what. >> how dare you applaud me now after you shiftless moochers rejected everything that is good and right and wealthy in this world. >> jon: you're still up set that mitt romney lost. >> i don't know how, i don't understand why it happen
Comedy Central
Nov 16, 2012 7:30pm PST
america giving him the victory. of course romney walked back his 47% statement. >> in this case i said something that was just completely wrong, and i absolutely believe, however, that my life has shown that i care about 100%, and-- and that's been demonstrated throughout my life. >> jon: i believe him. ( laughter ) there's something about a man standing in front of a perfectly pressed flag and the world's cleanest indoor tractor that says, "i'm the real deal." laughed laug ( laughter ) you can imagine my surprise when this man, so unfairly character turd, by his own words, as an out-of-touch plutocrat yesterday blamed his campaign loss on leaches. >> what the president's campaign did was focus on certain members of his base coalition, give them extraordinary financial gifts from the government, and then work very aggressively to turn them out to vote. ( laughter ) >> jon: how on earth did mitt romney find out about the extraordinary bag of gifts? ( cheers and applause ) that we got. and this. oh, what did obama give us? oh, a bag of weed. that was nice. oh, food stamp cozy. contr
Comedy Central
Nov 6, 2012 12:00pm PST
america there is no blue america there is only the america that can't believe how bad this guy did in the debate. how bad was the defeat o bama lost despite mitt romney doing this. >> i'm sorry, i will stop the sub sid to pgs. i like big board, i like few, but i'm not going to keep on spending money on things to borrow money from china to pay for it. >> jon: mother [bleep] fired big board. america's favorite nonfried bird. he fired big board and won. beloved children's character. romney could have water boarded aladdin, put down blue, deported dora the explorer. and still won walking away. romney won with the sound up. >> your title of the president of your own airplane, house and facts. >> jon: romney won with the sound off. dude, he's yelling at you. look up. look up! what are you looking at? what are you writing that's so important? what are you doing-- oh, that's not-- oh, i didn't realize that is impressive work. i didn't realize that. (applause) maybe you could give that to mitt romney as a souvenir of the night he crushed you in that debate. (laughter) and here's the thing, oba
Comedy Central
Nov 15, 2012 7:30pm PST
america and only think about abortion. your thoughts on this? >> well, i was totally offended until a certain recent life event changed my priorities. (laughter) >> jon: oh, right, i'm sorry. i'm sorry. you got married this summer. congratulations. i heard you got married. (cheers and applause) that's nice. i heard it was great. i heard it was -- i heard it was a great wedding. i wasn't invited. >> no. (laughter). >> jon: um -- but you seem like the same person. >> (laughs) how dare you, jon? as soon as a groom, my groom, carried me across the threshold i felt something new exploding inside me. (laughter) and you know what that was? (laughter). >> jon: no, i don't, i'm not gonna -- >> it was concern for america's future. but single women vote with their vaginas, jon! and they only care about one issue-- the sucking and the (bleep)ing. (laughter) >> jon: isn't that two issues? (laughter) >> not if you're doing it right. (laughter). (cheers and applause) all right, all right. sorry. >> come on, jon, i mean, we all remember the single me. (laughter) no, i'm not saying i want to enslave m
Comedy Central
Nov 6, 2012 11:00am PST
want to make sure we're building on the progress we've made to create jobs in america for folks and to make sure middle class families have security. >> jon: would you say -- do you feel you have a stronger affirmative case for a second barack obama presidency or a stronger negative case for a mitt romney presidency? in you're mind -- what is the stronger case to be made or do you prefer an malange. did you feel do you feel you've made the strong enough affirmative case or negative. >> i have a strong case on both ends. look, four years ago i said i doesn't want a war in iraq and we did. i said i'd pass health care reforms and make sure people don't go bankrupt when they get sick. we have. refocus on al-qaida, we have. [cheers and applause] >> made sure we saved an auto industry on the brink of collapse. we've done that. so we've got a strong story to tell whether it's on social issues like don't ask-don't tell or issues for middle class families. i think part of president's job is not only moving forward and thing that will work but also preventing things that won't work. so i thin
Comedy Central
Nov 7, 2012 12:00am PST
see you in 2016. good night america. [crowd cheering] god bless you all. captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org - she's been dead maybe ten minutes. - like head chopped off. - no, she died of, like, natural causes. - i'd do it, man. she was cute as hell in commando. i'd show her who's the boss. poison her ivy. - whoa. something's up. - guys, we've been boiler roomed. telamericorp was just a shell of a company. alice probably felt some heat from the feds, right? so she packed up in the middle of the night. that makes me vin diesel. - ooh, i'm giovanni ribisi. - oh, i'm like a scott cann- jamie kennedy combo doggie then. - jamie kennedy, maybe. i feel that experience. [cell phone rings] - hello? [whispers] it's alice. okay, let's talk. what's the vig to get in on your game? - why aren't you here yet? [snaps fingers] - why aren't we where yet? - oh, christ, you're at the old offices, aren't you? we moved offices over the weekend. it's all i've talked about for weeks. - guys, we moved offices. - oh, yeah, i totally forgot. - yeah, um, alice... - oh, wait, wait, let me-
Comedy Central
Nov 1, 2012 7:30pm PDT
grounds. (laughter) so, you know, look it up. but that was, of course, when america was still living in a pre9 '11 storm surge mentality. >> i want to thank the president personally for his personal attention to this he accelerated the major disaster declaration for new jersey without the usual red tape. the cooperation from the president of the united states has been outstanding. the president has been all over this and he deserves great credit. >> jon: yeah, i guess he found that (bleep)ing light switch, huh? (cheers and applause) great credit -- to his great credit tkorb his great credit, chris christie realized the storm was real and that he had a job to do as governor so it was time to slalom down bull (bleep) mountain and deal with this obama, not this obama. (laughter) not everybody got the memo. >> over the last couple months, you have appeared throughout the country on behalf of mitt romney, we hear that perhaps he's going to -- mr. romney may do some storm-related events. is there any possibility that governor romney may go to new jersey to tour the damage with you? (laughter)
Comedy Central
Nov 6, 2012 10:00am PST
republicans had constructed the entire week to suppress. this convention was the vision of a perfect america, that use odd to exist until barack obama ruined it, and so what if that america had never actually existed. >> to be an american was to assume that all things were possible, that unique blend of optimism, humility, it's that good feeling when you have more time to volunteer to coach your kid's soccer team or help out on school trips. it's when we see that new business opening up downtown. it's when we go to work in the morning and see everybody else on the block doing the same thing. my friends cared more about what sports teams we followed than what church we went to. >> jon: gee whiz, pops, that sounds awesome. yeah, that was the uncomplicated america you remember. i think in the early 6030s there were some churches in alabama that would have disagreed with your sports team versus place of worship anecdote. but the point is this-- what this convention attempted to do is say that we could all live again in this nostalgic paradise if it weren't for this one [bleep] guy! >> the presid
Search Results 0 to 49 of about 73 (some duplicates have been removed)